I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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