Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I'm really busy with my period
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