maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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