Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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