Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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