i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
