if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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