Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
