I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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