I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
