so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
