I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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