This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
