I faked an abortion last night.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
