smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
