nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
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