Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
