I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
