seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
