I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
