My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
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