Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
