the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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