tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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