So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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