"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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