if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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