so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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