I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
