I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
