please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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