Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I wish I only lived at night.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
