just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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