Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Randomize
