once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
