I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
