Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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