May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
