Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
