Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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