that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
