And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
