i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
