if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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