Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
