i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
