guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
