So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
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