If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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