then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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