I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
